When I walk around, I hold myself with a sense of pride. But I feel nothing sometimes. I don’t understand why I’m okay, or why I get up, but I do. I’m trying to grow up, trying to feel like that big girl that I should be, but I don’t see it. Unconsciously I feel like I’m completely conscious. I don’t feel like there is anything deep that is simmering beneath me, nothing that I’m not currently aware of, and it scares me because I’m left to wonder whether I’m wrong.

When I walk around I hold down my head because I’m afraid. Afraid of the cold, and afraid of the oncoming traffic that has a full view of my body, I feel almost naked. I just keep walking pretending that I’m in a place where nothing exists, where I don’t exist. I don’t think that I want to die, or go anywhere else, but I wish I could shut off and know I have. I want to feel myself fading and settling in a state where everything cease to exists, every emotion, every feeling, every sense just fades like white in black ink.

When I walk around, I’m tired. I pride myself in how many times I can say I’m tired and cold in a day. How uncomfortable I am majority of the day amuses me. I can feel my skin hurting like inside of me wants to just jump out and slap me for not dressing properly. I find that now it’s just a force of habit. Others have oral fixations, I treasure the words cold and tired. This is what it’s like to be me, I just want to lie in my bed under 3 sheets and sleep, and that is the truth.

When I walk around, I think of them and cry. I don’t understand the people around me, I don’t understand the use of time, I don’t understand why. It frustrates me, it makes me anxious and it makes me cry. I don’t want the answers to everything, most things that I have learned have disappeared into nothingness because they were never used again. I want to know why all the people that are around me exists in my existence.

When I sleep, all of this fades. All these ideas and thoughts disappear and I’m 100% okay. I create things and control what I want. I’ll never want any other state. I’ll never want to wake.

When I say I love you, it’s a 12 page essay condensed into 3 words.